Tea and Cookies in the Chateau d'Iff

So, once again, I sit here on my couch, in my apartment, hiding. I'm hiding from the world. I woke up at ten, realized it was ten already and was off with a bang. My disease raged on screaming at me, "well its already ten o'clock! Way to waste the day fuckhead!!" and so we began :)

     I decided to have some breakfast ( toast and green peppermint tea) with no plan in mind. I read up on the news and pretended this would be a the begninng to a "normal" day. I decided it'd be a brilliant fucking idea to sit and watch a 2 hour movie on netflix and ( just as the doctor ordered) I feel like shit. I feel like a beast is raging inside my head. Like my inner being is wrought with cage madness. The only difference (and here;'s the really fucked up part) is that I have the keys..I can not only physically leave my apartment but I also have some tools to escape this inner plight. God forbid I use them correctly.

     Instead, I choose to revert to old ways. Not out of comfort ( as that decribes a far cry from what Im feeling now) but out of, oh let's say, tradition. My disease, which I so readily and so frequently put on trial, begs for extradition. This image above truly calmed me a degree or two. To pull back and realize this is essentially what I look like is amusing. It helps to put things in perspective a bit.

Right before I opened my computer to blog, I groped at an old tool in a last ditch effort. A box of store brand oreo's would surely be the cure. As I grabbed the last cookie something caught my eye. "365" Whole Food's' store brand stamp was incribed on this cookie. I thought to myself "Why haven't I noticed this before? I have spent the last week tearing through this huge box and it wasn't until the very last cookie that I even suspected something was written on them.." It was puzzling but to some degree, it made sense.. How many sparkling eyes, smiles, bottle labels, dimples, unique granules, crystals, quirks,etc. had I overlooked? Fiending for a reprieve, desperate to abuse. Fuck the details for that's where the devil lays in wait. right? Who gives a fuck what this looks like? It serves no purpose to me until the sensations take hold and I can escape. Succumb.

Perception. A Disease of Perception. Now that's a real bitch. I hear so many stories and see so many documentaries touting the power of the mind and preaching the secret of outlook. Why must my ball tend to read "OUTLOOK NOT SO GOOD?" The glass is half full! I had a friend with this illness or this problem but look how he/she triumphed with his/her faith, outlook, perspective! BUT WHAT OF THE MAN WHO"S PERCEPTION IS ROTTED? Now, he's really fucked. 

The above paragraph serves as an example in and of itself. Because in fact its almost backwards. I can acknowledge the point it makes but perception can be changed. Its not so bad after all. I have the power to change it. To be willing. To continually fight for sanity. TO TRY AND STOP BEING SO MELODRAMATIC! to try to stop beating my self up.  And so the defects march on.