less is more and enough is enough

So I had a wonderful experience the other day as I was meditating at Runyon Canyon Park after an awesome run. I am so truly happy to be able to get active again. I tore a couple ligaments in my ankle about four weeks back and am happy to be back on my feet. I began my meditation with my eyes closed. I was sitting in the grassy patch toward the entrance of the park where the yoga classes are held. When I walked over to my spot initially I quickly noted ho, up close, the grass seemed less lush. it seemed brown and sparse. Anyway, after meditating a while I decided to open my eyes and the most amazing thing happened. I looked out to see what appeared to be an unending radiant sea of green. The grass was thick and luscious. It sparkled as well. I knew it to only be an approximate ten foot radius of lawn surrounding me but it felt as though I was sitting in an endless green field. In my excitement, I tried to focus my eyes on the bits of grass and it started fading back to its former mediocrity..

I tried to remember this moment tonight as i had the worst night at work I've ever had. The fact of the matter was nothing in particular went wrong. I am a host at a very busy restaurant and our host "team" was all out of whack tonight. In all honesty, I had a big hand in that. I had the worst attitude and acknowledged it but wouldn't let it go. I had a moment where I felt exhausted from all this frustration and let it go and I could feel the flood gates bulging in anticipation. I just wanted to fall down and cry. I'm exhausted of trying so damn hard in every waking moment to be better. Every interaction with people, every fake smile, every concession, every time I think of someone first. I don't want to be an asshole but sometimes I just want to scream at someone and tell them to F*** OFF and shove someone and break a glass and express myself to the full magnitude. But thats not what an adult does. An adult doesn't go out partying. An adult smiles and behaves diplomatically and avoids confrontation and if confrontation arrises handles it politely. I know my ideas of this must be so incredibly warped because if every other decent human being out there is doing it this way then we are all secretly insane just waiting to snap.

You know, I have such a burning desire to get out there and live. REALLY LIVE. run around, climb things, hug people, run down the street, love people, i dont know what else truly..I dont know I just feel like Im going to explode. ALWAYS. But that if I let it all out that people are going to think I'm truly insane. Like I think I am. If people only knew who lives in the attic. Sometimes when Im boiling over and I let some spill out I do it dramatically and always get a few laughs. This makes me feel better for a couple reasons. 1) I get to let some out and relieve a tiny bit of the pressure and 2) I get validation. "Oh, Kevin's so funny. He is worth something after all.."

I feel like that kid in the picture above this crazy one. I feel like he's sitting at the controls in this "adult" body screaming behind the smiles and sorry's. Ugh. Life's weird right now. I thought I was kind of coming out on the other end of a weird transitionary period in my life but in some respects it keeps getting weirder and weirder, and better and better, and worse and worse. It lacks consistancy. I'm desperate to figure this life thing out and be able to enjoy it. i know there's some faulty logic at play here.

     I am just in the middle of waking up to a realization. I embarked on this journey to figure out what life is about and what I'm all about and to see if I can be a functional human being and maybe work towards fulfilling my dreams and finding some supreme happiness. I am now figuring out that I really set out to find the cure. I set out to solve the riddle. To become ever-joyful. To become God. or at least Jesus or the dhali lama or Johnny Depp. I'm now like "Whoa. Im human. I'm Kevin. And life isn't about being happy ALL the time." I guess I just want to make better habits and find better companions and love and be loved and trust people again. I want to love what Im doing and be able to cope when I'm not loving it.

To be able to say hey I just had a bad day, maybe tomorrow will be better. I just want to believe again. I want to believe that lifes really worth living because Im tired of sitting on the sidelines running damage control. Ok so Im rambling and falling asleep at the keyboard and have zero energy to edit this blog. so Im sorry and Im not sorry for the grammatical woes and overall sloppiness of this evenings neverending stream of conciousness.