"clever title" /" late night incoherent babble"/ half assed ideas/ lets see how hard i can be on myself

So today in acting class I was forced to confront myself. Myself as the actor and as the man. You see, yesterday marks my first day back to acting school and my craft. I have been on a six month hiatus getting my priorities realigned and doing some cleaning up if you will.

     I am very excited to be getting back on track and fulfilling a passion of mine. To be so engaged once again in something I love and something which stimulates me to no end both intellectually and spiritually, is truly a wonderful thing. I am very grateful to have had the opportunity today.

     For some reason these masks bear a huge resemblance to the extremes I have gone to in the past. Im either ecstatic or morbidly depressed. I wonder if this fuels my attraction to this art form.





     I am currently learning. It seems pointless to make such a statement but I have a tendency to think in each moment I have it all figured out. I'm so stubborn. It never fails to shock me how subtly powerful these defects can be. In the course of a conversation, they take many different forms. I hesitate to write about it in detail just because the prospect is a little overwhelming right now. My habits up until this point in my life are such that I am constantly becoming aware of my shortcomings and attempting to take action to the contrary. This is both seemingly miraculous as well as endlessly irksome. Tedious may be a better descriptor.

   Today also reminded me of how much I miss flexing my brain muscles so to speak. I miss college. I made a choice to delve into this acting craft and career adventure when I was no longer able to pursue both simultaneously under my specific terms. (After my Freshman year in NYU's undergrad drama program TISCH I took a different road)





     I just want to surrender. I feel that I'm constantly working on upkeep and future development. I AM INDEED MAKING PROGRESS. I absolutely must keep that in mind or I'll turn defeatist. But today I found out through my one-on-one with my teacher after an exercise that I am still blocked because of a character defect operating like a fucking ninja assassin in some nook or cranny of my mind. I am still afraid to let go completely; to totally give myself to the task at hand and fully surrender to it. I feel as if blocking out the big picture will render me adrift. If I don't plan the next few moves, I'm toast! I don't know...does it really even matter? Why can't I just enjoy the moment and say screw it to all that other horse shit? I suppose it makes sense that if I'm doing the right thing in the present moment that the future will take care of itself. SOUNDS LIKE A TRUST AND FAITH ISSUE TO ME. All I can say is I'm working on it. Progress is okay no matter how little I suppose.